Exam Cram a Lam a Ding Dong
So busy with exam stuff right now, so probably not gonna write much for the next bit (or maybe I will write a lot in procrastination!). God has been so awesome these last few days though, been having some meaningful devos. Really loving the Young Adults Bible study girls from my new church too. They are really nice. Haven't been sleeping well though, boo. Just to officially announce it....I am applying for a STINT in the Orient. For those unaware of what this is, it is a year in an Asian country as an intern for Campus Crusade. If you guys could all be praying for me as I apply and also thinking about ways you may like to be involved in helping to send me. If anyone has any contacts that may be interested in being involved and have a heart for the Orient, or even groups or churches or organiztions you think may be interested, then please be praying about the possibility of passing those contacts along to me. It would mean a lot cuz I am freaked out about having to support raise a years salary and also really want a huge prayer team backing me up. I will be putting together a prayer letter in the next few weeks just to inform people of what I am up to, then will deal with the support side of things in the new year. Thanks! Oh and HAPPY ALMOST BIRTHDAY TIFFY!
So what....I am (cringe) single
Okay, okay. I am getting really tired of the emphasis people place on dating relationships, like they are the only thing that matters. Its like, people have to explain why they are single. You can't just be like "Yeah, I am single," then smile. There is always that pause before you say the big "S" word. Like you have to apologize. Or like you have to be prepared for sympathy from some people. Actually, that is not necessarily true....It is more like being single is alright because people think it is circumstantial. But if you choose not to actively pursue relationships, then something is wrong (are they crazy? overly independent? gay? prudish?). When I told my hairdresser the other day that I wasn't "seeing anybody" she said, "Oh, that is okay, you are so busy in school...yadayada." Isn't it okay even if I wasn't busy or in school? What happens if I stop and still don't want a relationship?
It is amazing to have some wise and loving people in my life to give me more perspective on this issue and make me realize I am not alone in my struggles. My lack of experience in the relationships department is actually a huge part of the reason I first surrendered to God. I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to date and at the same time I began to worry that due the state I was at in early university, I would never marry or have children in the future. He gave me the confidence that He loves me for me and my future is in His hands.
Sure, sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes it is difficult because lust can still be a battle and for girls, I think there is definitely an emotional component to lust, which can be dangerous. I still crush...pretty hard core sometimes. Even John Mayer songs can make me get into this dreamy state that can be really distracting (mind you.....he IS the epitome of romance....do you hear the words that come out of this guy's mouth?...sigh). Anyways...
I am stealing the link to this article that a friend got from a friend (or something like that). Check out:
http://www.boundless.org/features/a0000941.html.
I know God is working and teaching me in this so called "season of celibacy." I am scared to think that this "season" will never cease but it also scares me to think that it will, because I am so accustomed to living life the way I know it. Whatever the case, I must always ask myself: who is my first love. With joy, I can say Jesus Christ. And I think if I had gotten into the relationships I had previously longed for with the people I previously longed for, it would have been very messy and I would have made some HUGE mistakes. Praise God for working in me way way before I knew that He was.
my insecurity...getting the best of me
Ah. Today I love: not very much. Have to search my brain here. Ok. Chapters. Jane Austen. The colour brown (my new boots and my new scarf). +strand RNA viruses just cuz they are easier than the others to learn. Indian food. My haircut. My handicapped rabbit (he's so cute). And God, of course. Today I do not love: a lot of things. The amount of crap I ate all weekend. My brilliant procrastinating skills. My inability to be emotional when I want to be and inability to control it when I don't. Needless nudity in movies. Not being able to sleep in every day. Thinking about travelling on crowded transit in the rain. Money and what it does to people. And I especially don't love my desperate need for acceptance and reassurance from other people (notice me! compliment me! talk to me! care about me! am i pretty? am i smart? am i funny? am i loved?). It is not until I go to new places where there are new people and I really don't know anyone on a decent level but hey know eachother and then BOOM! I am aware how insecure I am. So pitiful.
Poor Neglected Blog
Haven't written for a while here, wow. So much has been going on inside me but seems not too much around me. I was invited to a Crusade "Life Conference," this weekend and at first I was a bit cynical. I thought, "Oh great, a staff recruiting event." In a way, it was true, they were allowing opportunities to "explore" what the ministry had to offer, but it was really about challenging us to think "Is Jesus really Lord of my life?" A simple question and something I usually just nod along in agreement with, but when I asked myself this during the weekend I was uncomfortable. Yes, I am living for Him.......but am I living it for Him first? So many other things sneak up and take his place. It is a daily struggle to give my life back to Him, and it is scary, but it always results in freedom. I have this card that pretty much says "I will follow God wherever and whenever He wants." I have hung onto it for months without signing it. The blank line is calling out to me, sign me, trust Him, let go. I am about to go downstairs and sign this card. It is about time. Praise Him for being so patient with me.
