Hopes and Dreams on a Piece of Paper
I have it....I have the vet school application. It is officially in my hands now. Yes, I will definitely apply this year. If I don't get in, Europe and Stint, then reapplying from Asia and leaving Stint early (?if I can do that?) to come back for inteviews in June. I think that is how it is panning out.
Gotta love Jack
Wed: Took the day off. Slept in. Tidied my room. Ate lunch with my mom. Did some banking. Read some psych.........then went to Jack Johnson!!!!!!!!! So so so good. He made my week. Oh man, he is beautiful. I was so close to the stage. It was fantastic.
Thurs: Survived on very little sleep. Class and then spending some time at my stupid stupid poorly designed poorly organized lab. I am seriously choked........a 3 credit lab where you come in for 4 hours for the lab........all fine and dandy.......then spend 4 more hours of your own time doing lab work for 6 different projects. It's more like work than a class. Grrr. It is so consuming. And it anchors me down, I am always worrying about it in the back of my mind. Well anyways, then I got my hair redone. Oh mylanta, it is quite red.
Today: School then visited my old Pastor Peter, which was muchly overdue (still hadn't given my follow up stuff from going to Asia!). Awe, I miss him. He is great, and not afraid to ask the hard questions like "Why are you still planning on going to vet school?" Great, now the uncertainty arises again. Could I answer confidently? Not quite. Is it because I have been heading down this path since I was 5? Is it because everyone expects me to? But then again, any time that I think the chance could be taken away [eg I think I get (or really do get) a crappy grade], I feel a huge loss, and this intense fear that confirms "Yes, I really do want this....yes, God wants this for me." Even so, I wish I could do 4 different things at once........mission's work, vet, forensic investigator, and actress. 4 very different things pulling at me. Maybe I will go get cloned.
Running Out of Fuel
"Every morning I, have a chance to rise and, give my all to You
But by the afternoon I find, I have only wasted time"--Jennifer Knapp
This song has been replaying in my head for the last week and a half. It has felt like a lot of doing doing, but still wasted time. Why is this? Because I have been relying on my own strength. Now, it is almost 2am on Tuesday night and it is catching up to me.......I am running out of fuel. Praise God, because He restores me back to life. If you are involved with Campus Crusade for Christ, then you are familiar with the line and dot analogy. Even if you are not with CCC you still may have heard about it. If a line represents eternity, what represents my life?
<---------------------------------------.------------------------------------------------->
A dot. I have been living for this dot. Being consumed by school and things to be done. There will always be things to do while I am in this world (and trust me, queen of listmaking, I will spot them and write them down), but I will not always be here. I have been too focused on this dot, I forgot what it means to live for eternity.
Lord, make me a channel of your peace. Amen.
And so the madness begins........
So here it is ....Sunday. And here it goes. Time passes faster and faster, I swear it's increasing exponentially. Ahhh, school. It is already crazy crazy crazy. Between cru and pre vet stuff and classes and textbook stuff etc etc. There. The complaining is fini. On the other hand, I am happy to be back at school, and it could never be the same iwthout being so involved.
If you are wondering, things have smoothed out for me this week, but in a way that is still changing me. Thanks to those who emailed or called (sorry I didn't call u back yet Lyds!)...it meant a lot.
I had a good weekend. I had a date with God on Friday. We went to Starbucks and sat outside (undercover) in the rain for an hour and a half while the traffic whizzed by....I needed it. It was amazing.
Saturday, went to Rent with Gwen and ate Thai food. Very very good times, the show was awesome. I wish I could sing.......Today was SPCA Walkathon, which I went to for a bit for the Youth Program. The other spaces this weekend were spent dealing with pre vet and cru stuff. It was productive I guess.
Till next time....
The Plank in my Eye
I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do. I see my parents in myself....but not their good qualities, which are many, and which I too often overlook....only the bad things that I zoom in upon and get frusturated with. What a hypocrite. I am not who I somehow have convinced myself I am. I am completely and utterly selfish and self-absorbed. I have been looking around at the world for so long with judging eyes, but I missed my own reflection. Someone I love so much has just broken a piece of my prideful heart, and it needed to be broken. I am so sorry to my friends. I am so sorry that I fail to really listen to you. I am sorry that I don't try to empathsize with your situation. That I care so much about keeping things "sunshiny" in my own life that I fail to really get involved in yours when it is stormy, like a sister ought to do. I am sorry that I am constantly doing things and doing things that I don't make time for my friends and that I don't actually take some time out and think about who I am........all the ugliness that has made a home in me. I am sorry that I am so wired to defend myself that I can't take truthful criticism. I am sorry that I don't understand. I am so full of pride I don't even feel like looking her in the face right now. I want to run away instead. I have gotten so "religious" that I have failed to follow Christ. All I can say is sorry right now. I don't know how to change things, make them better.
"Everything inside me looks like everything I hate, you are the only hope I have for change, the only chance I'll take."
The End is in Sight
Today it hit me.....this year will be the last chapter in the most significant portion so far in my life. And after the summer passing away so rapidly, I fear this year will also pass much faster than I could ever imagine. Today I helped first years move in to their residences. I wondered what their time at UBC would bring for them......when they reflect on their undergrad years would they focus on the joys of studying their asses off, the partying, the freedom of getting older, the friends they made.....or would it go deeper? What would these years do for them spiritually? Do they already know God? Or does He ever even cross their minds? Are they about to embark on a jouney that is bound to change the way each day of their lives is lived in the future?
When I came to UBC I was so lost. My friends were all on other campuses. I wasn't starting out so hot academically. I was questioning my future and sickened with worry about who I was and who I would end up being. In the midst of over thirty thousand students I was feeling more alone than I ever had before. I was self consumed and guilt ridden. Who knew that just around the corner was the defining moment in my life when my blind eyes opened and I found out who Jesus was. And in this moment, the chains that had bound me for the first nineteen years of my life were broken.
University has been more about my relationship with God than anything else. I love learning. I will admit I am a nerd. And I love the friends I have made here....in classes and with Campus Crusade. But discovering God takes the cake when it comes to the highlight of my UBC experience. I think this is true for many Christians, even those who have grown up in the Church. When we venture out of the confounds of high school and into the so called "real world" we are faced with deep and meaningful life questions. You discover who you are when you don't have the friends you have surrounded yourself with for so many years around you.
I am going to miss school at UBC. I love it there and it is a part of me. I can't help but feel pride in my school....I love the view and the trees and the squirrels and the clock tower and the SUB and sleeping in the library and Storm the Wall and sleeping on the floor of friends in res and Longboat and bubble tea and praying at the flagpole and the CRU office which feels like home and running into friends and learning something new and amazing in class about how life works and listening to the piano in the conversation pit and even the pit....
I don't know what the next few years of my life will look like. That scares me. I t even hurts to admit it. I am such a planner....but my plans are open now. I was told that He should be the author, not editor of my life. So be it. What I do know is that endings bring new beginnings. Amen.
I Thought ya Said "Salsa" ok?? Dinner is served.
My sis is manipulative. I am her putty. My mom is clueless. She is entertaining in a Shindler's List kinda way. My father is his own best friend. I think he has 3 personalities. But they appear to get along well, so I say, "Gopher it pops....do what makes chya happy." There are greasy pawprints on my computer screen. Osoyoos was fun. My butt hurts from jet skiing. The end.
