Exhale (***Thank you Lord, Thank You***)
I have been holding my breath for a month. I get a phone call from my parents when I was living in England. The mammogram is abnormal. Another phone call when I arrive in Melbourne. There is at least a 40% chance of cancer. All I have is doubt.
It's back, I think
. How will she get through a third time....especially with how weak she is with all the other crap going on? I try to not live in denial, but it's the easiset way to cope, especially over here. My devotions with God, already few and far between, become more of an effort. I am angry with Him, disappointed. Tired of persisting in prayer. I go through cycles of surrender ("Come what may, I will follow and I trust your plans") and rebellion ("I don't know how I can continue walking with you if
it is back").
My mom has the big house all to herself. She slept alone last night. She must have had such a restless sleep, if any sleep. Dreading a third phone call, I keep busy in a different hemisphere. Computer, reading, company, sights-seeing. The call comes this morning. She was happy, her voice more lively and animated than I have heard in ages.
Sarah, guess what? There is NO cancer. Not even a pre-cancerous cell. None. Tears of joy. I let the wall come down and gave myself permission to be emotional.
Praise God. I know I would eventually have come to the same utterance no matter what happened. Not because my faith is strong but because His grace is. Still, I feel like this is such a gift from Him. The best Christmas gift since Christ Himself. I can breathe again.
Today and Sometimes
I feel it's hard to overcome the inertia to do something...anything...productive. I feel like I have become so bad at listening that people
talk talk to me anymore. I feel like I have too high expectations of others sometimes...of course disappointment follows. I feel like I am stationary while the world just passes me by. I feel like people are always waiting for me. Like now. Gotta go.
In Byron
Ahh, Byron Bay. One more day left. I am having a great time. The people here are super friendly, and the beaches are amazing. The surfing is only alright at this time of year...I have been struggling a bit with the board I rented and the beaches I have been choosing...and have bruises to show it. After being frusturated with the waves at one of the beaches, I headed to another where the experienced surfers go. I was just going to go on the small waves. They look smaller from further away though...I nearly drowned. It was scary. I had fun trying but got superly knocked around. Tomorrow I am heading to some more quiet waves. Haha. Good thing I am still alive. This morning I went kayaking and saw bottle nosed dolphins swimming! It was incredible. When I first arrived, I went to a small pot smoking hippie town called Nimbin....it was really strange...I felt like I was in a movie. But being offered weed every two minutes brought back fond memories of home. Okay, okay...Surrey isn't
that bad. I was one of the very few on my bus tour that didn't accept though. How things have changed in 6 years. What else have I done here...I am tired and I can't seem to organize my thoughts well so I am just spilling them on here grocery-list style. I also went for a nice bike ride, up to some view points and pretty beaches to take pics. Can't wait to post them. The night life is pretty backpacker oriented, and I have had fun going out for a little while for a few time, especially because I really like the other people at the hostel here. I realize how lucky I am to speak English as a first language, as I see it is the only common language between all of us...Swedes, Germans, British, Danish, and Canadians. I know it gets tiring for some of the non native speakers to always think and talk in it with us. Anyways, Tracie and I had fun in Sydney, and our hostel was cool. Especially thanks to a the nicest, best looking hostel staff I have seen. Anyways, I plan on telling a bit more about Sydney and posting pics at some point. As usual, someone is waiting for the comp though and I must sign off.
The Big Day!!!
Gwen was the most beautiful bride and we had such a great time. One of the best weddings ever! Fantastic!
More overdue pics...and this week's events
I began this post with the intention of actually sharing my thoughts, but I have decided to keep it superficial and tell you more so what I've been up to, cuz I just don't have the energy. So...before I do, here are a few more pics from UK to see.
Never mind about that. Fudge, this is drivin me freekin mental, stupid uploading. I am giving up on posting pictures, it is taking a lifetime. Anyways, so, I know its' been time and then some more time since I said I would put up pics from Dublin and from my month in England. I did try to get most up, but there will be a few more.
It is the Friday before Gwen's big day and my sis and I are taking it easy. She (Tray) has had a rough rough few days. We went to Philip Island on Monday and stayed a couple nights. When we arrived we visited a wildlife park and got to feed kangaroos and wallabees, then we went to a beach and saw these Little Penguins march from the water to their burrows, a natural process that attracts hundreds of tourists. On Tuesday I finally got to go surfing. It was super frusturating at first, because I was on a bit of a smaller board. It still had a bit of a soft top, and the waves were nice, so that was good...but it took a while to get up. I was so stubborn and set on it though that I spent waaay too much time in the water. After a mini break I went back in again. We were on the beach from 9:30 until 5ish, and I was out of the water for an hour only. I got sunburned under my eyes! And my hands bled. Seriously. I have spent the past few days wearing bandaids on my palms. The salt water, the friction from the board...I dunno. My sis got it worse. She spent almost the whole day lying on the beach. She got burned to a crisp and sun stroke. Poor dear. Her hands and feet are actually swollen. We had to go to the doctor's. She is still recovering.
We are in Melbourne once again, and the city is beautiful. It is a lot like Vancouver, except that there are tons of these little alley ways that look a bit dodgy but if you go down them they have the best bars and restaurants, seemingly in the middle of nowhere. And it has better beached of course. After the wedding we'll do the Great Ocean road drive, and Jess (Gwen's maid of honour) and I are planning on surfing in Torquay on Monday or Tuesday. Next week Tracie and will go to Sydney and then I will take off myself for a week in Byron Bay, which I am stoked about. Overall, its been fun, but no matter where you are, as I wrote in an email to a friend today, there are ups and downs. You can't escape from your problems and difficulties even when you are on the other side of the world. It is nice to be in a slight bit of oblivion for now, though. When reality hits I reckon I will be hit hard.
On another note, Vancouver actually has snow right now. That is crazy! It began when it wasn't even December. I do love the snow, but I can't say I am complaining about wearing tanks and shorts.
