Ramblings of a Restless, Wandering Girl

Exhale (***Thank you Lord, Thank You***)

I have been holding my breath for a month. I get a phone call from my parents when I was living in England. The mammogram is abnormal. Another phone call when I arrive in Melbourne. There is at least a 40% chance of cancer. All I have is doubt. It's back, I think. How will she get through a third time....especially with how weak she is with all the other crap going on? I try to not live in denial, but it's the easiset way to cope, especially over here. My devotions with God, already few and far between, become more of an effort. I am angry with Him, disappointed. Tired of persisting in prayer. I go through cycles of surrender ("Come what may, I will follow and I trust your plans") and rebellion ("I don't know how I can continue walking with you if it is back").


My mom has the big house all to herself. She slept alone last night. She must have had such a restless sleep, if any sleep. Dreading a third phone call, I keep busy in a different hemisphere. Computer, reading, company, sights-seeing. The call comes this morning. She was happy, her voice more lively and animated than I have heard in ages. Sarah, guess what? There is NO cancer. Not even a pre-cancerous cell. None. Tears of joy. I let the wall come down and gave myself permission to be emotional. Praise God. I know I would eventually have come to the same utterance no matter what happened. Not because my faith is strong but because His grace is. Still, I feel like this is such a gift from Him. The best Christmas gift since Christ Himself. I can breathe again.

posted by SarHa @ 4:14 PM