Little Alive Moments
You know how sometimes the world just feels like everything's "all as it should be?" You get inspired or reflective and just sit there smiling. It doesn't even mean that you're happy, and something awful could even be going on, but you just feel alive. Things make sense. It happens less for me now than it used to. The recipe for me usually includes a sunny day or a very rainy one, looking out a window or being outside alone, and good music. I had a few of these moments this week. The first was running my butt of in the rain at 10pm on Wednesday night. The second was today. My mp3 was on random but it just kept hitting these awesome songs. I had a window seat on the skytrain, the sun was so nice, and my thoughts were quieter than they have been. I had this overwhelming sense that everything is going to be okay. God becomes more real to me. Tangible. Present.To be honest, and I have been trying to deny it, I have been feeling down lately. Not really depressed in a sad way, but still struggling with that apathetic kind of feeling, which is very little feeling at all. I have been shutting myself off from getting upset, and not giving myself permission to be angry and disappointed. This means I don't feel happy when I think I should either. God's been doing His thing through all this though, and we are "working things out." The root? Hard to say...my mom's illness? Transitioning back from Asia? Hormonal imbalances, hehe? Or this "quarter life crisis" idea that was brought up at lunch today? I feel like I was so comfortable as a student. It was my identity for so long. Even in Asia, I still studied, and I knew what I was going to be doing in the next few months to come. Things are more uncertain now. Sure I am applying for veterinary school and I really really hope to be accepted and then I will be a student again...but many people take a few shots at applying before acceptance. So, there still is uncertainty in it. Uncertainty if at this time next year I will be in Saskatoon. Uncertainty if I will ever get in. These next steps, they are confusing. It makes you start asking yourself big life questions all over again, and gently guides you into God's arms. God, the Author and Creator, and the Answer. Surrender is hard. But it is good and it is necessary, as hard things are.
In other random news, my hair is really dark now. Less random is that I leave tomorrow night for my travels. Wow, time flew. And I need a nap and to pack and to spend time with fam. Aka, bye for now.
posted by SarHa @ 4:22 PM
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