Answers just lead to more questions
My mom is recovering okay and is still at the hospital. (She had surgery yesterday). Today the doctors says that they found nothing . Nothing. All that...the pain, the stress, the worry, the physical difficulty of the body handling its third surgery this year...for nothing. Yes, it is good and bad. Good because no tumour was hiding there. Bad because (ahh, scream) NOTHING IS BEING FOUND! No answers still. And it seems like she is just wasting away still. More tests, they will do more tests as they keep her in the hospital this week. She says she is losing faith. I understand. I don't know what to do anymore. I am making the decision to continue trusting God, but I am disappointed. I KNOW He is carrying us but I feel more like my family is being dragged than carried. His grace is sufficient and to live is Christ, to die is gain...but its hard. My heart and my mind are on different wavelengths. Lord, give me the faith of Job...who am I to question you? You made this whole earth? You bled and died for us. Blessed be Your Name. And argh, I just can't seem to be emotional about any of this. I'm "good"...I'm "okay"...I'm kinda numb and apathetic. I have been struggling with apathy for so long. It blankets itself across my whole life. I long to be joyful, and I wait...trusting that He will provide.
posted by SarHa @ 10:27 PM
2 Comments:
Perhaps this faith trial (where are you God?) in the end will be a good thing in that it causes you to do business with God: to honestly share with him your frustration and dissappointment. I have been learning this week that God need to go 'deeper' with God and really spend the time wrestling with him. I think God does a great job of keeping us from getting apathetic. It may be a bit hard but it must be the best for us.
Sarah, you're not alone in the struggle. God really does want us to mature - but it's rarely comfortable. I've been facing some similar things lately. Keeping you and your mom in my prayers. Cling to the words of Life, eh.
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